Thursday, November 30, 2006

I'm a nosy fucking cunt!

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I have two older brothers. One recently died and the other is strange beyond words. "Dennis" has been married several times and is a father and a grandfather. However, he is estranged from all his children. Worse, the rest of us are not allowed to have his grandchildren over because their parents fear we would allow Dennis to see the kids.

Dennis' children won't tell us what happened to cause such animosity, but we have our suspicions. Two years ago, Dennis was supposed to take my children for ice cream, and he left town with them and returned 6 hours later. I was frantic.

The problem now is Dennis insists our late brother's grandchildren call him "Grandpa." He dropped by with these children, and when the 7-year old called him "Uncle", Dennis yelled at him saying "I am your grandfather! Remember that!"

Later I called my nephew and asked if he was aware of this situation. He was not and also did not know his kids left the area with Dennis. They came home well after midnight on a school night.

I told my nephew that Dennis forcing the kids to call him "Grandpa" is an insult to his father. He says it is not. And he still allows Dennis to take his kids for "rides". We are so afraid Dennis is going to drive off and not come back. I don't think I can stay out of this because I fear for the safety of those children. What can I do?

Nosy Pain in the Ass.

Dear Nosy Pain in the Ass:

Who the fuck are you to think you can tell a man how his kids need to be raised? Who the fuck are you to tell a man what he thinks he shouldn't tolerate around his kids? Dennis' lunacy must be genetic, cause clearly you are fucked in the head if you think that.

Your nephew doesn't care if his kids call Dennis "Dennis", "Uncle", "Grandpa" or "Aunt Myrtle". Why the hell should you? Your nephew doesn't think it's a big deal that Dennis runs off with the kids for a while. Maybe his kids are such brats that letting crazy Uncle Dennis have them for a few hours is preferable to trying to keep them from writing "FART" on the wall when he's not looking. You're the fucking Aunt, and a fucking NOSY PAIN IN THE ASS Aunt at that. I bet you're the first one to throw a fit when someone tells you how your kids (and if you have real kids, they have my utmost sympathy for having spent the first 18 years of their life being raised by the likes of you) should be raised. Quit telling your nephew how to raise his.

You want a hint as to what you should do? BUTT THE FUCK OUT.

Dear Annie Vooodoo:

I am an average boy in 7th grade. I have several friends, and one of them is my cousin, "Bruce", who is a couple grades younger than me. My problem is that he's always laughing at anything I do wrong.

We have been friends since our youngest days, and I have withstood his mocking until now, but my tolerance has snapped. When Bruce laughs, he does it for a reaction. I would laugh along with him if it were just for fun, but that is not the case.

Waldo who's being bullied

Dear Waldo who's being bullied:

Next time he opens his fucking mouth, tell him to shut it or you'll shut it for him. If that doesn't work, kick his motherfucking ass. This fuckhead is younger than you. You going to let some little shit push you around? Don't listen to your teachers, don't listen to some dumb cunt in the newspaper. They will tell you to settle things like an adult or something equally foolish like "Ignore him politely" or something like "Save your friendship for someone else".

You tried ignoring him. It didn't work, did it? You tried treating him like an adult. Did that work? FUCK NO. That's cause, contrary to what these idiots will tell you, this motherfucker IS NOT AN ADULT. You have to treat him like a kid, because he's a kid. That means you tell him once. If the message doesn't sink in, you bust his skull open. You think this kid is your friend. He's not treating you like he's your friend. He's treating you like you're a shitbird. Do you want to be a shitbird when you grow up? If not, you better start not being a shitbird now, because the shitbird reversal process gets a lot harder the older you get. Since he thinks you're a shitbird and not a friend, not treating him like a friend will accomplish nothing.

Don't let those assholes tell you "violence never solves anything". It's bullshit. Violence solves plenty. Give this little shit the beating he has coming, and you'll see how much nicer he'll be to you in the future.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Help me! I'm a retarded control freak!

Today's letter:

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

I'm on the verge of moving in with a man I am deeply in love with. I have a young son who I am very protective of and who I've been solely responsible for raising for most of his life. I don't approve of smoking, cursing, violent movies, overly loud music, and the usual non-kid friendly behaviour around my son, and my boyfriend has agreed that once we move in, the smoking stays outside and the behaviour stays PG as long as the little one is around. Everything seems like it's going smoothly, but just to be on the safe side, I'd like advice on how to start "enforcing" the new code of conduct once we move in. It is his house, and he's a grown man so I'd like to avoid reprimanding him or being a harpy, but my son comes first. How do I go about being a good mom to my son without being too much of a mom to my boyfriend?

Hypocritical fucking cunt

Dear Hypocritical fucking cunt:

Boy, are you one stupid motherfucker. You abhor smoking, drinking, swearing, fighting, and acting like an asshole around your son, yet you're moving in with the first son of a bitch who meets this criteria (READ: THUG) and who soaks your panties. I'm in awe of you. Most people fuck up at some point in their lives, but it takes a pure genius to do it on the level you're doing it. You don't like that shit? HOW ABOUT NOT MOVING IN WITH THE THUG AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO DOESN'T DO THAT SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Secondly, you're moving into his house. I bet he's paying the rent/mortgage too. What right do you have to tell him how to behave in his house, given that he's paying the rent and taking YOUR sorry ass and that of your poindexter-in-training wussy brat of yours as well. You dirty fucking carpetbagging, parasite! Just who the fuck do you think you are? Adolf Hitler with a pussy?

Here's an idea. #1: Don't date thugs in the first place. #2: He who pays the bills makes the rules. and #3: if you can't do #1 and #2 and therefore take some initiative and responsibility for your own ass, don't fucking write into the newspaper looking for advice.