More Harpy Ultimatum Bullshit

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I am a faithful reader and love your matter-of-fact approach, which is why I am writing.

I am a 40-year-old single mom. I work part time and am nearly finished with my college education. I am in love with "Michael". We have been living together for a year, and he is a great deal of help with my children.

Michael pays the majority of the bills with no complaints. He is a very successful businessman, extremely generous to my children, and he dotes on me. My problem is, Michael never wants to get married. He is content with the way our relationship is now. We have had the conversation about marriage several times, but I always end up frustrated and upset..

We have both been married before. Michael always knew my intentions were to be in a stable relationship that would end in marriage. Knowing this, he still maintains a relationship with me.

I know Michael loves me tremendously, as I do him. What now? Should I sacrifice my happiness and continue this near-perfect relationship or should I give him an ultimatum.

Signed,
One ungrateful fucking cunt.

Dear Ungrateful Fucking Cunt:

Keeeryest! It's always some other asshole's fault. And just when things are a little too perfect, you have to interject some bullshit drama in an effort to kill the goose that laid the golden egg. That's right, it's all his fault because 'he still maintains a relationship' with you. Did the thought that since you have a stake in this relationship too, that YOUR actions might contribute to the problem?

Just who the fuck do you think you are? The center of the universe?

Now that I think about it, you probably are. One gigantic black hole with 2 kids worth of stretch marks that's sucked the life and resources out of one man, and is currently in process with another. Fuck you! You're 40 fucking years old. No matter how much Oprah tells you to the contrary, you're an old worn out harpy. Guys like Michael are rare enough, and at your age a replacement will be non-existent. Furthermore, because this guy has put a roof over your head and raised your two bastard brats, you are in no position to make an ultimatum. In fact, you ought to be cooking his dinner, cleaning his house, not to mention sucking this guy's dick while he's watching football on the weekend to express your gratitude that this guy has done all the shit he's done for a used-up harpy like you.

So go right fucking ahead and do it. PLEASE give this man an ultimatum. Then he'll see you for the disgusting, worn-out, ungrateful parasite you are and kick your sorry ass to the curb. Clearly Michael has his shit together. Since you don't, he can do a whole lot better than the likes of you.

Dear Annie Voodoo:

My stepdaughter, "Lois", is 30 years old and has one young child. They have recently begun to visit us every Sunday. Each visit begins about 2 p.m., runs through dinner, and ends well after 8. These are not visits by invitation.

Lois doesn't offer to help with cleanup or setup, nor does she bring a dish. In my family, we contribute. Sometimes a family member may ask us to help clear the table or put food away. Would it be considered improper etiquette to ask Lois to prepare a dessert for the next visit or help with the dishes?

I don't mind the visits, but I'd appreciate a little help.

Signed,
Another Candyass

It's not improper etiquette to ask Lois to help you out. It is also not improper etiquette to put your boot up her ass when she refuses. The only reason why Lazy Lois doesn't offer is because you haven't made it patently obvious that she had better offer or the boot will be forthcoming.