Pure of heart but not of body?

Dear Abby Voodoo:

I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone" either.

Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager. I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again.

I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date.

However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued. I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future. I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place.

Pennsylvania Whore

Dear PW:

Thanks for the laugh. It's statements like "I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body.", statements which I lack the comedic genius to come up with, that are so worthy of ridicule that one cannot help but bust a gut at the sheer stupidity contained within.

Purity is an issue of the heart and soul, dipshit. You can't be pure in one area and impure in another. You should feel devalued because YOU HAVE DEVALUED YOURSELF by acting the whore. You all but acknowledge this when you claim to have sworn off sex until marriage. Obviously, you consider this to be an incorrect path upon which to walk through life and have cut it out. If you didn't, you'd still be out there fucking bikers, thugs, and any asshole out there with a good line of bullshit, false confidence, and a crisp 50 dollar bill.

Just reading this bullshit lends me to think that you're actually looking for someone to tell you what a big fat asshole Chris is because he doesn't want some washed-up skank for a wife. Chris isn't the unreasonable asshole here, YOU ARE. Chris has something called "Moral Fiber", something that's lacking in today's society. Chris is a man who knows what he wants, what's important to him, and wants someone who shares his moral code with him. If Chris is a drinking man, I'd have the bartender send him one over for sticking to his principles and not compromising them for anyone. And if he's smart enough to drop your washed-up ass, he'd drink on my tab for the rest of the night.

You, on the other hand, are the asshole. You want this guy to change his thinking for you. You acted the fool early in your life and now that you meet someone who, under the old ways, might have been a great match for you had you kept your panties on, you want him to accept you as you are and ignore your past. Perhaps you should have thought of the consequences of your actions before you decided to go be 'pure of heart' without being 'pure of body'. It's called the WAGES OF SIN, and the tab just landed on your table. PAY UP.

TOUGH SHIT!

I'd like to buy a clue, Pat

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

I recently left a comfortable marriage after 27 years because I didn't love my husband. We lived a passionless, flatlined life, and I could go on, but it's not the point (or is it?). We were separated for 14 months and are now divorced. I started dating someone, and now I live with him. I have not brought him to family events because I was being sensitive to everyone's feelings, but now I feel it's about time to move on with my life.

My family cannot accept this. They do not invite my boyfriend to anything but still invite my ex-husband. We have two grown children and they take their father's side to the point I am left out. If I want to attend dinners at my children's houses I need to leave my boyfriend home. So here I sit wanting to know what went wrong and where to go from here.

Signed,
Can I buy a clue, Pat?


Dear Clueless:

You are a fucking moron. No bullshit. I have things rotting in my fridge that have more capacity for causal thought than you. You can't figure out where you went wrong, and can't figure out why your family and your kids won't accept this new boyfriend? And you have the gall to claim you're actually "sensitive to everyone's feelings"?

Here's a hint:

IT'S BECAUSE YOU FUCKED OVER YOUR EX-HUSBAND!

I find it astounding that you, and self-centered cunts like you, who spend so much time focused on themselves have the inherent inability to figure out why people take umbrage at their actions. Here was a guy who, for 27 years, put all his hopes, dreams, desires, and hobbies on the back burner to put chow on your table, "your" (because the father is never included in 'ownership' of children) kids through the first 20-odd years of their life comfortably, and accorded you a lifestyle that you yourself acknowledged as "comfortable". For all his hard work and effort in being a good father and husband, you bolt because there isn't enough "passion" in your life?

Well fuck you too!

Had the genders been reversed, you and all your pathetic like-minded harpy friends would have claimed this guy was the biggest asshole in the world for running off with some sweet young thing who, GOD FORBID, actually liked to fuck. Yet, when you essentially do the same thing, you can't figure out why people think you're the
asshole?

You ain't sensitive to SHIT. If you were, you would have sucked it up and tried to put passion into your marriage and stuck it out like you promised to do on the altar. Remember "Till Death Do Us Part"? Guess you think that rule, like the one regarding your relatives events and houses, do not apply to you and are subject to modification at your discretion.

Here's a newsflash for you. When invited to your relatives' respective houses, THEY MAKE THE RULES. If they don't want your latest 'passion-filled fuck' in their house, this is their prerogative. Accept the fact that they're at least inviting you, which is a lot more than I would do if you were related to me. I'd tell you exactly what you need to hear: "You're a worthless bag of shit that needs to be tossed down the nearest accessible septic tank."

Purebred Shitbirds

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I am a single mother of two girls, ages 4 and 2. Their father isn't in the picture much. I love my kids, but sometimes I think I never should have had children.

A while ago I put my 4 year old into group counseling because she was very aggressive with her little sister and argued with me about everything - what to wear, when to go to bed, etc. She hasn't improved much, and it's making me crazy. Rewards and discipline don't work.

I am on an anti-depressant and take a sleeping pill. My children sleep in bed with me every night, just so I don't have to battle with them, which means I have to go to bed when they do, leaving me no time for myself. They wear me down until I cry myself to sleep.

The sleeping arrangements are also causing problems with my boyfriend. Please help. I don't know what to do.

Signed,
Candyass.

Dear Candyass:

Who wears the pants in your family, you or these brats? If you have to think more than 3 seconds about the correct answer, you should wash all those sleeping pills down with a fifth of Jose Cuervo.

You're a fucking adult, first for possessing the inability to realize that single motherhood is NOT a viable lifestyle choice. Things like that are NOT to be done. There's a reason why men are required in the family, and that reason is illustrated in your letter: to police the family and prevent shitbird from infecting one's progeny.

All you hairy-legged dykes with dog-collars who are pissed off at me right now, FUCK YOU TOO.

Back to the original problem:

It's obvious we cannot stuff these kids back up your uterus where they never should have exited in the first place. That horse done run out the barn. Thus, we have to work on fixing the problem from here forward. First, these kids are 4 and 2, they have no business sleeping in your bed. They have even less business sleeping in your bed when your boyfriend sleeps over. Your boyfriend has no business sleeping over either. Don't you fucking remember how you got into this mess in the first place?

Next, YOU make the rules. YOU must enforce them. Kids need to know rules will be enforced and transgressions will result in punishment. If they do not, they grow up thinking the rules don't apply to them and turn into your average bar-skank. Your 4 year old brat can argue all she wants. You hold your ground and don't give in. You give in, she learns she can wear you down by being a brat. You outlast her, she'll figure out a different method to get what she wants.

Your 4 year old brat wants to beat up her sister, you give her a nice hard wallop on the ass. All you bleeding-heart assholes who think that you should treat kids like an adult: FUCK YOU TOO, for you are full of shit if you think treating someone who is clearly not an adult like an adult works. She learns walloping sis ends up to be a (literal) pain in the ass, she will quit. If junior shitbird #2 learns lying about sis beating her up works, you wallop her on the ass too.

You are an undisciplined twit. I genuinely share your wish that you never had children. These 2 brats are going to be problems guys like me will have to straighten out after it's far too late. Quit trying to be your kids' pal and start laying the fucking law down already.

What's wrong with ogling?

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

What makes a guy mature? I am 43 and still have a problem with how I look at women. I don't mean any disrespect and several I admire for their intelligence and ability to do their jobs, but I still undress them with my eyes. I don't do it on purpose, and I stop as soon as I realize I am doing it.

Signed,
Jimmy Carter

Dear JC:

Why do you consider this a problem? Why do you consider this a sign of immaturity? You're a man. You are attracted to women. There is not a fucking thing wrong with that. If anyone tries to convince you otherwise, they are full of shit and deserve a baseball bat to the back of their skull.

A man is mature when he is able to take care of his business. You pay your rent on time? You have a good job? You have food in the fridge? You have goals you're working towards? If the answer to this is "yes" then, congratulations, you are mature. You are taking care of your shit. You have successfully removed yourself from the ranks of shitbirds world-wide. This is commendable.

If the sexes didn't ogle each other, no one would fuck, and there wouldn't be any humans left roaming the planet. And if women didn't enjoy being ogled, why the hell do they run around with their thong poking out of the back of their jeans and why do they flash their tits at Mardi Gras?

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, brother.

MESS CALL!

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

So, met this guy at an event in late summer. He was interested. I was full of myself and liked having lots of boys interested so I blew him off. Fast-forward to last weekend, when we bump into each other and hit it off like gangbusters. Then last night, when he tells me he is not interested in a relationship with anyone. And he's still (angry) about the first time we met.

Am I a total jerk? Or did I just do some growing up in the intervening time and I am paying the price for my immaturity?

Signed,
Too Good 4 U

Dear Too Good 4 U:

You're not a total jerk, you're a stuck up cunt! And you should rightfully be paying the price for your immaturity.

You wrote a 'cunt' check the night you blew this guy off. You probably treated him like shit. You liked being the center of attention and didn't think he was good enough. Now that he's good enough, he's figured out YOU ARE NOT. And you have the gall to wonder why he's pissed at you? And you can't rub those two brain cells together long enough to figure this out for yourself?

SUCK IT UP! The time has come to cash that check. And he wants to be paid in full. Tough shit. Think about that next time you act like you're too good for someone. YOU are not the center of the universe. Contrary to the popular colloquialism, one found on plenty of female t-shirts, IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

Quit your fucking bitching and start eating that big shitburger you made. CHOW DOWN, HOG!

A typical American Daughter

Dear Annie , Voodoo:

My 21 year-old daughter has been dating "Charlie" for three years. My daughter attends college, works, and has many plans for her future. She is a beautiful, fun-loving, intelligent girl - until it comes to Charlie. Charlie barely graduated high school, shifts from job to job, and doesn't care about the future. They never go out with her friends, always his. He rarely comes to our house - our daughter always goes to his place. He constantly is text messaging her to find out where she is and with whom.

We've told her we can't get to know Charlie if he refuses to come around. We invited him to a family dinner for my daughter's birthday, and he promised to attend, but at the last minute, said he was "too sick" - a common excuse for him. We also invited his parents, but his mother "fell asleep and forgot."

Our daughter says Charlie is her soulmate, but we think she is being taken advantage of. Now that she is 21, our hands are tied, not that she would listen to us anyway. We have a great relationship otherwise. I would hate to see her stuck with Charlie for the rest of her life. What can we do?

Signed,
Typical parents of a typical daughter


Dear typical parents of a typical daughter:

You can't do shit about this. Your daughter is a typical American woman. She will not be happy unless he's with some shitbird. Evidently, she is perfectly content to fuck bums. In this regard, she is no different than any other young American woman.

What you can do is leave her alone and let her fuck her life up. And fuck it up she will. When she's 30, has a couple brats by this shitbird, and is up to her ass in drama, you can politely tell her "Tough Shit, we told you that you were fucking up, but you didn't listen. SUCK IT UP."

Get in touch with your local animal shelter. See which ones have a good selection of cats. Your daughter's going to need one, two, or 20 when she's 35 and a burnt-out ex-shitbird fucker.

Inheriting Shitbirds

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I've been dating "Bonnie" for six months, and it's been great. We really are ideal for each other. We are in love, and it all seems too good to be true.

The problem is that I'm the first person Bonnie has dated since she separated from her husband 6 years ago. She caters to her kids, and they are extremely spoiled. Her 16 year-old daughter refuses to make her own food or clean her room. She won't even get herself a drink of water. She'll call out to her mother, and Bonnie will get her the water so she'll stop complaining. The 13 year old is a mama's boy.

Neither child will accept me, even though we've never formally met. They refuse to allow their mother to be happy and want her home with them. Bonnie has met my kids, and they like and respect her. Do I let her children's immaturity ruin our relationship, or do I stick it out? People tell me it's just that the kids are teenagers, but I don't think so. My children are exactly the same ages and don't behave that way. What do I do?

Signed,
Shitbird Intervention Counselor.

Dear SIC:

First, you have to ask yourself why "Bonnie" hasn't gotten a divorce yet. If it's something that makes sense, it's one thing. If it's some bullshit, it's quite different and you must drop this fool and not be sucked into the morass that is her life. Furthermore, you're not going to make Bonnie happy. Only Bonnie is going to make Bonnie happy. If Bonnie hasn't figured out that being happy is her responsibility, you need to avail yourself of this mess immediately.

Next, Bonnie's kids are not teenagers. I know plenty of people who were teenagers who do not behave like this. This is because their parents told them to suck it up, and that things around the house will (not should, not must, not possibly) be done before they get to have fun. Bonnie's kids are SHITBIRDS, and she's enabling their shitbird behaviour by catering to their every whim.

You must gather more information before you decide to fix this problem. You need to tell Bonnie that her kids are a bunch of dipshits, and as the man of the house and CEO (Chief ENFORCEMENT Official) you intend to crack down on this nonsense and permit no shitbirds in YOUR house. Bonnie is likely to act the softie and tell you that you do not need to be such a hardass. You need to be a hardass. Being soft turned these kids into shitbirds. If this is the case, you must kick Bonnie to the curb. She has no intention of changing and it will be patently obvious that her kids come first.

Kids do NOT come first in this situation. The Husband/Wife relationship does. If a woman does not realize this, she is not worth your attention. You teach your kids by example. By showing that you will permit no disrespect to your wife, and you will not allow her to be bullied by shitbirds, you will set an example to these kids that will last them a lifetime.

If Bonnie is open to fixing this problem, and this is a problem that needs fixing for society's sake, not to mention the poor slob that will have the misfortune of dating her daughter, you must begin NOW. You must inform these shitbirds that a new sheriff is in town, and everyone's going to suck it up. This is important you do this before you do something stupid like marrying Bonnie, because shitbird is a contagious disease. You allow Bonnie's kids to be shitbirds, your kids will begin to exhibit the same signs of shitbird.

If you are unable, or not up to curing shitbirds; and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that as you neither fathered nor raised these shitbirds, you must dump this chick post haste.

You're kids are well-mannered and well-behaved. You are to be commended for this. Clearly, you are a man who is in control of his castle. You have my respect for taking care of your business.