I'm a nosy fucking cunt!

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I have two older brothers. One recently died and the other is strange beyond words. "Dennis" has been married several times and is a father and a grandfather. However, he is estranged from all his children. Worse, the rest of us are not allowed to have his grandchildren over because their parents fear we would allow Dennis to see the kids.

Dennis' children won't tell us what happened to cause such animosity, but we have our suspicions. Two years ago, Dennis was supposed to take my children for ice cream, and he left town with them and returned 6 hours later. I was frantic.

The problem now is Dennis insists our late brother's grandchildren call him "Grandpa." He dropped by with these children, and when the 7-year old called him "Uncle", Dennis yelled at him saying "I am your grandfather! Remember that!"

Later I called my nephew and asked if he was aware of this situation. He was not and also did not know his kids left the area with Dennis. They came home well after midnight on a school night.

I told my nephew that Dennis forcing the kids to call him "Grandpa" is an insult to his father. He says it is not. And he still allows Dennis to take his kids for "rides". We are so afraid Dennis is going to drive off and not come back. I don't think I can stay out of this because I fear for the safety of those children. What can I do?

Signed,
Nosy Pain in the Ass.

Dear Nosy Pain in the Ass:

Who the fuck are you to think you can tell a man how his kids need to be raised? Who the fuck are you to tell a man what he thinks he shouldn't tolerate around his kids? Dennis' lunacy must be genetic, cause clearly you are fucked in the head if you think that.

Your nephew doesn't care if his kids call Dennis "Dennis", "Uncle", "Grandpa" or "Aunt Myrtle". Why the hell should you? Your nephew doesn't think it's a big deal that Dennis runs off with the kids for a while. Maybe his kids are such brats that letting crazy Uncle Dennis have them for a few hours is preferable to trying to keep them from writing "FART" on the wall when he's not looking. You're the fucking Aunt, and a fucking NOSY PAIN IN THE ASS Aunt at that. I bet you're the first one to throw a fit when someone tells you how your kids (and if you have real kids, they have my utmost sympathy for having spent the first 18 years of their life being raised by the likes of you) should be raised. Quit telling your nephew how to raise his.

You want a hint as to what you should do? BUTT THE FUCK OUT.

Dear Annie Vooodoo:

I am an average boy in 7th grade. I have several friends, and one of them is my cousin, "Bruce", who is a couple grades younger than me. My problem is that he's always laughing at anything I do wrong.

We have been friends since our youngest days, and I have withstood his mocking until now, but my tolerance has snapped. When Bruce laughs, he does it for a reaction. I would laugh along with him if it were just for fun, but that is not the case.

Signed,
Waldo who's being bullied

Dear Waldo who's being bullied:

Next time he opens his fucking mouth, tell him to shut it or you'll shut it for him. If that doesn't work, kick his motherfucking ass. This fuckhead is younger than you. You going to let some little shit push you around? Don't listen to your teachers, don't listen to some dumb cunt in the newspaper. They will tell you to settle things like an adult or something equally foolish like "Ignore him politely" or something like "Save your friendship for someone else".

You tried ignoring him. It didn't work, did it? You tried treating him like an adult. Did that work? FUCK NO. That's cause, contrary to what these idiots will tell you, this motherfucker IS NOT AN ADULT. You have to treat him like a kid, because he's a kid. That means you tell him once. If the message doesn't sink in, you bust his skull open. You think this kid is your friend. He's not treating you like he's your friend. He's treating you like you're a shitbird. Do you want to be a shitbird when you grow up? If not, you better start not being a shitbird now, because the shitbird reversal process gets a lot harder the older you get. Since he thinks you're a shitbird and not a friend, not treating him like a friend will accomplish nothing.

Don't let those assholes tell you "violence never solves anything". It's bullshit. Violence solves plenty. Give this little shit the beating he has coming, and you'll see how much nicer he'll be to you in the future.