I'm a spineless pussy!

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

We have a 2-year old son and receive visits from the out-of-state in-laws several times a year. It is a "win-win" situation: My wife and I get a rare evening out together, while the grandparents have time to dote on their grandson.

However, our relatives treat our house as if it were a hotel room -- dirty dishes lying around, crumbs on the floors and furniture, random trash and newspapers strewn about, etc. What bothers us is not as much the clean-up afterward, but rather the seeming disrespect for our house -- they certainly don't leave their own house in such a state. We would like to say something but fear they will either scoff at it or, worse, become offended and not visit as much, which is certainly not our desire. Is there a gentle way to communicate our feelings without hurting theirs?

Signed,
A spineless pussy


Dear Spineless Pussy:

There's 2 reasons why these assholes trash your house. 1. They don't have to clean it up. 2. You let them get away with it. The obvious solution is to either 1. make them clean it up, or 2. quit letting them get away with it.

You were a kid once. When you put your feet on the furniture, did your mom tell you to knock that shit off? And after she told you for the 50th time, she'd swat you in the back of the head with a rolled up newspaper. You wouldn't put up with your 2-year old brat trashing the place, why do you let a pair of 60 year old brats do the same thing?

This is abundantly clear. Tell them nicely to clean up after themselves. If it doesn't sink it, next time you visit your in-laws, you and the 2-year old play the "Let's trash grandpa's house" game. If it still doesn't sink in, then you swat them with the rolled up newspaper until it does.

A man's home is his castle. Think the king puts up with slobs in his castle? Fuck no. There's a gentle way the king would inform the slob that trashing his castle is not permitted. He'd slap them across the knees with the blunt edge of his sword. For fuck's sake, it's your fucking castle, start acting like the king.