Chump, The Art of the Bigger Better Deal II

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

I have been with my boyfriend for five years and living with him for four. I realize now after a long time and lots of soul-searching that we should never have moved in together and that I'm unhappy with our current arrangements. However, I do not want to break up with him. Is it possible for two people who have lived together for so long to back up one step and maintain a healthy relationship?

Signed,
Miss Leech

Dear Miss Leech:

You don't want to live with the guy anymore, but you still want to be with him in the same fashion. Are you an idiot or something? Do you genuinely think that disrupting the status quo is the best way to maintain the status quo?

This guy evidently thought enough of you (stupidly as it turned out) to allow you to move in with him. Now, you're essentially telling this guy that he's good enough to serve as an emotional tampon yet not good enough to live with anymore. On top of that, you still want things to be the same.

Get your fucking head out of your ass. You have a choice. You can have a relationship with this guy, or you can go off and be on your own. You can't have both. You can't have everything. That's life. Tough shit.

Dear Annie Voodoo:

My sympathies to the woman married to a man addicted to internet porn. I am in a similar situation. My husband even uses viagra for this.

Counselling for her is a good idea, so she doesn't have to feel inadequate as a woman. To the men out there, get help before your marriage is over. My solution? I'm the tech person at our house, and I've got our computer locked down pretty tight. Good luck to him trying to figure out how to unlock it.

Signed,
Me so sly

Dear Sly:

You're a real smart one, aren't you. You have your computer 'locked down tight'. Way to go! You showed him!

Too bad your husband is just a $399 laptop and a broadband connection away from his beloved internet porn. All that 'tech' knowledge you have, defeated by a simple credit card and Chinese manufactured loss-leaders. Yep, you showed him indeed!

But hey! It's always better to lay the blame on some scapegoat like internet porn rather than addressing the root cause of the problem: YOUR failure to put out and address his needs.

And don't think for one minute that because you don't bother with internet porn you have the moral high ground here. You're just as much, if not more, guilty than he is in this situation. Your mocking, condescending tone exhibited in your letter, not to mention the gloating over how you managed to 'fix' the problem lends all but the most intellectually vacant among us to deduce that you're just a mean, spiteful cunt.

To you, and the rest of you bitchy harridans who read my shit yet prevent the lessons taught here from sinking into your thick skulls, you feel inadequate when your husband views porn BECAUSE YOU ARE INADEQUATE!

All those years of putting the kids first, for not throwing him a fuck because he left the toilet seat up, for griping that he got you some uncomfortable piece of clothing he'd like to see you wear, or because you didn't feel like it are coming home to roost. He's figured out that he isn't going to get sex from you, so he's going to seek gratification elsewhere. And since the guy has enough moral character to honor his vow and not fuck other women, he gets it off the internet and fucks his fist.

Way to go sisters! When you make everything all about you, don't be surprised if he discovers you're not good enough and finds something better to do.