Friday, May 11, 2007

Voodoo smells bullshit....

Dear Abby Voodoo:

Please help me to warn your readers about an alarming trend happening in the teenage community: prom babies. I first heard about it while driving my teenage daughter to a lacrosse meet with several of her girlfriends.

One girl in the car, "Carrie," said she hoped this year she could have a prom baby. The girls were discussing two former classmates from last year's lacrosse team who had been unable to begin college because they had both become mothers at 17.

Both had deliberately planned to get pregnant on prom night — hence the term, "prom baby." Abby, both of the girls were studious and hard-working with bright futures ahead of them. One had been accepted to several Ivy League schools. Needless to say, their parents were devastated, and many adjustments had to be made for the new babies.

My daughter later told me that several of her other friends were considering trying to get pregnant near prom time so they, too, wouldn't have to deal with the pressures of going to college.

Apparently, parents are less strict about their children's whereabouts on prom night and let their teens spend the night in a hotel or at mixed-gender sleepovers.

I thought this sad trend might be local to our area, but during a class reunion in California, I learned the trend may be nationwide. One of my oldest friends, "Dana," confided during the reunion that she had become a grandmother at 43 due to her daughter having a prom baby.

As prom night approaches, please warn parents to talk with their children about the responsibilities of premarital sex and the dangers of a prom baby.

What The Fuck.

Dear What The Fuck:

Let's deal with the obvious first. You talked to people in your neck of the woods, which turns out to be a suburb of Atlanta, and you talked to people in California. Hardly representative of the entire population. Surely, being from the deep south, you've learned that most of the population of California are lunatics. Why do you listen to their bullshit and accept it at face value? Nationwide trend, my ass. This sounds like a bunch of stupid scare tactics trying to use a few random occurences found in the terminally stupid as an indicator of a 'nationwide trend' in order to garner interest amongst people who wouldn't bother giving this column a second glance while looking for pizza coupons. How about some hard evidence before you blab this bullshit? And you're a dad? You need a boot up your ass for being a gossip, cause that's what this shit sounds like. Men do not gossip. Men do things that generate gossip. You sound like the old hens down at the beauty parlor tut-tutting about some shit one of the other hens 'heard'. Seriously. I question whether you're really a male or actually some chick ghost-writing bullshit to fill a column on a slow news day.

Why would these kids talk about this shit in front of you? You're male. You're more likely to bust the kid's ass over stupid shit than some chick would. Why would these kids reveal deep secrets around an authority figure? Either you're making this shit up, or you and your fellow citizens are breeding a generation of genuine morons. In either case, you should be quite proud, as the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

Look at it this way. Women are opportunists. These women are young and nubile. Why would they want to get knocked up by some zit-faced teenaged boy or some knuckle-headed jock when they can go get knocked up by some rich old fart and make out better than they would had some teenage kid done it?

Pressure of college? Pressure? The mere thought of this is laughable. You can show up stinking drunk every day of class in a modern college and still earn a 2.5 GPA. There's no pressure in undergrad, unless you're an engineer, which your moronic brats most certainly will not be.

Now that we got that stupidity out of the way, let's assume you aren't completely full of shit, and that there are hordes of women out there looking to get knocked up on prom night so they can avoid the 'pressure' of college.

The solution is quite simple. You get in your daughter's face and tell her that she can do what she wants with her uterus. She's 18, (or is she 20? 25? Hard to tell from the overflowing stupidity contained in your article, sounds like the valedictorian at your school had a driver's license in kindergarten) and therefore is an adult. An adult has the distinct ability to do what they please. And for this, they get to pay the consequences for their foolishness. Your daughter wants to whore out and have a baby at 18, that's fine. You must inform her that she will take care of the kid, not you or her mother. You will not be a babysitter. You will not bankroll this kid. You will not be there to bail her ass out when she can't handle the pressure of being a mother. You must make this abundantly clear. If she doesn't have shit for brains, she will figure out that, with no safety net, this course of action is NOT A GOOD FUCKING IDEA.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Pure of heart but not of body?

Dear Abby Voodoo:

I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone" either.

Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager. I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again.

I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date.

However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued. I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future. I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place.

Pennsylvania Whore

Dear PW:

Thanks for the laugh. It's statements like "I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body.", statements which I lack the comedic genius to come up with, that are so worthy of ridicule that one cannot help but bust a gut at the sheer stupidity contained within.

Purity is an issue of the heart and soul, dipshit. You can't be pure in one area and impure in another. You should feel devalued because YOU HAVE DEVALUED YOURSELF by acting the whore. You all but acknowledge this when you claim to have sworn off sex until marriage. Obviously, you consider this to be an incorrect path upon which to walk through life and have cut it out. If you didn't, you'd still be out there fucking bikers, thugs, and any asshole out there with a good line of bullshit, false confidence, and a crisp 50 dollar bill.

Just reading this bullshit lends me to think that you're actually looking for someone to tell you what a big fat asshole Chris is because he doesn't want some washed-up skank for a wife. Chris isn't the unreasonable asshole here, YOU ARE. Chris has something called "Moral Fiber", something that's lacking in today's society. Chris is a man who knows what he wants, what's important to him, and wants someone who shares his moral code with him. If Chris is a drinking man, I'd have the bartender send him one over for sticking to his principles and not compromising them for anyone. And if he's smart enough to drop your washed-up ass, he'd drink on my tab for the rest of the night.

You, on the other hand, are the asshole. You want this guy to change his thinking for you. You acted the fool early in your life and now that you meet someone who, under the old ways, might have been a great match for you had you kept your panties on, you want him to accept you as you are and ignore your past. Perhaps you should have thought of the consequences of your actions before you decided to go be 'pure of heart' without being 'pure of body'. It's called the WAGES OF SIN, and the tab just landed on your table. PAY UP.


I'd like to buy a clue, Pat

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

I recently left a comfortable marriage after 27 years because I didn't love my husband. We lived a passionless, flatlined life, and I could go on, but it's not the point (or is it?). We were separated for 14 months and are now divorced. I started dating someone, and now I live with him. I have not brought him to family events because I was being sensitive to everyone's feelings, but now I feel it's about time to move on with my life.

My family cannot accept this. They do not invite my boyfriend to anything but still invite my ex-husband. We have two grown children and they take their father's side to the point I am left out. If I want to attend dinners at my children's houses I need to leave my boyfriend home. So here I sit wanting to know what went wrong and where to go from here.

Can I buy a clue, Pat?

Dear Clueless:

You are a fucking moron. No bullshit. I have things rotting in my fridge that have more capacity for causal thought than you. You can't figure out where you went wrong, and can't figure out why your family and your kids won't accept this new boyfriend? And you have the gall to claim you're actually "sensitive to everyone's feelings"?

Here's a hint:


I find it astounding that you, and self-centered cunts like you, who spend so much time focused on themselves have the inherent inability to figure out why people take umbrage at their actions. Here was a guy who, for 27 years, put all his hopes, dreams, desires, and hobbies on the back burner to put chow on your table, "your" (because the father is never included in 'ownership' of children) kids through the first 20-odd years of their life comfortably, and accorded you a lifestyle that you yourself acknowledged as "comfortable". For all his hard work and effort in being a good father and husband, you bolt because there isn't enough "passion" in your life?

Well fuck you too!

Had the genders been reversed, you and all your pathetic like-minded harpy friends would have claimed this guy was the biggest asshole in the world for running off with some sweet young thing who, GOD FORBID, actually liked to fuck. Yet, when you essentially do the same thing, you can't figure out why people think you're the

You ain't sensitive to SHIT. If you were, you would have sucked it up and tried to put passion into your marriage and stuck it out like you promised to do on the altar. Remember "Till Death Do Us Part"? Guess you think that rule, like the one regarding your relatives events and houses, do not apply to you and are subject to modification at your discretion.

Here's a newsflash for you. When invited to your relatives' respective houses, THEY MAKE THE RULES. If they don't want your latest 'passion-filled fuck' in their house, this is their prerogative. Accept the fact that they're at least inviting you, which is a lot more than I would do if you were related to me. I'd tell you exactly what you need to hear: "You're a worthless bag of shit that needs to be tossed down the nearest accessible septic tank."