Friday, December 8, 2006

Inner-skank demands freedom!

Dear Voodoo:

I started dating very late for a girl in the current generation and have only had one bf so far.

My bf is an acceptably nice guy but we have many differences, the biggest of all with culture and religion.

I'm thinking of leaving the relationship in search of someone better. Should I?

I wanna be a ho

Dear Ho in training:

By all means, go find yourself a new boyfriend that's not so "boring". Save this guy that hassle of dealing with your whiny, naggy, phony ass. Let your inner-skank run wild and free!

By doing this, the rest of us men who are searching for a woman who isn't fucked in the head like you will see your behaviour and heed the warning it provides, and several hundred adorable stray cats will find your house a nice warm place to live.

Thursday, December 7, 2006

Husband marries nagging harpy

Dear Annie Voodoo:

My husband and I have been married for 25 years and have two sons. "Dan" is a wonderful husband and father.

Dan has a friend who calls him constantly -- several calls a day, most days of the week. "Chuck" always has a reason to call. "Where is milk on sale?" "Where is a good place to golf?" "What are you doing today?" He even calls during our vacations.

Dan knows how upset I am with his annoying and pesky friend. We have small children who require our attention. CHuck is married and his wife is always working or involved with other activities. They don't have children.

Dan tries to ignore the calls, but Chuck keeps at it, either on our home phone or Dan's cell phone, until my husband responds or calls him back. Dan knows how much chuck irritates me -- we've even had arguments about it-- so now he waits for me to leave before he returns the calls.

I have asked Dan to tell chuck that the overwhelming calls annoy me and he must limit them. But Dan is afraid of hurting Chuck's feelings and refuses to talk to him about it. Dan says our life is strong and no one can come between us, and I need to let it go. Is he right?

Nagging Harpy

Dear Nagging Harpy:

I have no idea how a man stayed married to you for so long. I bet Dan was a good guy who was a good provider, and over the course of time you nagged him into catering to your every whim, no matter how fucked up that it may be.

Chuck is Dan's friend. Not yours. Would you do the same if Dan thought your pal Sarah was every bit as annoying as you think Chuck is? I think not. You'd stamp and moan to all your equally vacuous girlfriends about how mean Dan is that he won't let you hang out with Sarah.

Fuck you and your nagging harpy ways.

Dan waits until you leave before calling Chuck back. He's compromised to the extent he's willing to compromise. Chuck's friendship is important to Dan. And I bet Dan's friendship with Chuck is based on a mutual gripe: wives who don't give a rats ass about their husbands.

You need a big steaming cup of shut the fuck up. Get a fucking hobby. Get over yourself. Quit being a nagging shrew.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I have a neighbor who is creating havoc in my life. I'm convinced that "Ellen" is mentally ill and becoming worse. Her "friendship" has become a drain.

When we first moved here, our children became pals, and I found Ellen to be fun. As the years pass, however, I find the friendship is very one-sided. Ellen has a miserable marriage, does not get along with her family, and has isolated many friends due to her bizarre behaviour. She never listens to anything I say; it's all about her. She is consumed with money and constantly discusses how important it is to her.

Ellen comes to my house, stays longer than she is welcome, and the entire time, she gulps my wine. Since I believe she has a drug-and-alcohol problem, I feel as if I'm enabling her by letting her drink at my house.

The other day, Ellen blatantly lied to me and upset my family in the process. I told her she had violated my trust, but I don't believe she understands the depth of my anger and how much she has damaged our relationship.

I have been very good to Ellen, but I think our friendship has run it's course. I no longer want her coming to my home or involving my family with her problems. Perhaps I should be more sympathetic, but I simply cannot deal with this anymore.

Short of moving across town or telling Ellen that I no longer wish to see her, what are my options? I don't want this to affect our children's friendship.


Dear Chickenshit:

What kind of an idiot are you letting someone whom you suspect is a booze-hag drink your wine in your house? What kind of idiot are you letting someone you think is loony in your house in the first place? And apparently you've earned mother-of-the-year status by blabbering to me all these vile nasty things this woman has allegedly done to you, yet, you're more than willing to let your kids stay around this nutcase.

It's your house, your life, and your kids. Lay down the law. The only reason this loony does this shit is because you let her get away with it. Tell this nutjob that there will be no booze consumed in your house. Tell this nutjob to shut the fuck up when she starts blabbering. Tell this nutjob that if you catch her lying again, you're going to split her skull open with a stick. If you are not prepared to do this, you must banish this person from your life and forever remain on the 'candyass' list. If she doesn't want to do this, congratulations, you've successfully removed a thorn in your side.

Dear Annie Voodoo:

This is in response to "Anxious", whose 16 year old daughter is under 5 feet and doesn't look her age. I am 5 feet nothing and small boned. It was not easy as a teenager. I was not taken seriously and hated it with a passion.

However, she will reap the rewards later. I am now 48 and look 30. It is wonderful and I am having the last laugh. I exercise and eat right, and I've noticed younger men giving me the eye. So tell her to hang in there. Yes, it will be frustrating but her time will come.

Bullshitter Deluxe

Dear Bullshitter Deluxe:

You're deluded. If you think younger men are giving you the eye, either these men are 47, drunk, or you're interpretation of their 'look' is incorrect. They're probably looking at you trying to figure out what clothing store sells skank-wear in sizes for pre-teens.

My family is full of shitbirds!

Dear Annie Voodoo:

My nephew's parents are dead, and I have always been close to him. His ex-wife and daughter live in a shabby mobile home. The place is squalid. I am not talking about cobwebs on the ceiling. I am talking about filth and bugs.

I asked if I could help clean up, and she agreed. I filled six large trash bags, and still uncovered only a quarter of the kitchen floor. It was coated in animal waste. My great-niece is in high school and goes around smelling like that.

The ex-wife suffers from fibromyalgia and probably depression. So far, she hasn't been able to get disability. I told her, gently, that if someone reported her, they could take away her child. In response, she took a dose of morphine for pain. Now I'm worried she might have a dependency problem.

I'm thinking of telling my nephew how bad it is and suggesting he take custody of his daughter. My apartment is too small, so that's not an option. But what will become of his ex-wife? Is there an organization I can contact for her?

Free Maid for Shitbirds

Dear Free Maid for Shitbirds:

There's a reason why your nephew isn't involved. It's because he has these people spotted for what they are: SHITBIRDS. He's the only smart one of the whole bunch, a bunch that includes YOU. You're not a shitbird, you're a fool for cleaning up after a shitbird.

There's also a reason why this shitbird ex of his can't get disability. It's because she doesn't have chronic fatigue syndrome, it's because she's chronically lazy. And her daughter is a chip off the ol' cunt. She's in high school and doesn't give a shit about where she lives or whether she smells like cat piss enough to clean her surroundings up? Definitely a sign of shitbird status.

Quit cleaning up after shitbirds. Leave your nephew alone. Let these assholes sit in their own piss and shit to their hearts content. God helps those who help themselves. These people don't want help, they want to live in shit. Outside of the military, there's no organization that will cure these shitbirds. And only the Army would want these two shitbirds, and only so they can use them to clear mine fields and blow up IED's.

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I am 72 years old and read your column daily. Why do some people complain and moan about such unbelievably minor concerns? My wife has had multiple sclerosis for more than 10 years and is homebound. I take care of her 24/7, 365 days a year because I love the woman and would do the same for me.

Tell these insecure people to wake up to reality and face life the way that it has been dealt to them. Thanks. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Grumpy old fart

Dear Grumpy Old Fart:

These shitbirds write into the paper for the same reasons shitbirds write into me complaining about the shitbirds that write into the column. They have too much free time on their hands.

Go take care of your wife, ignore the shitbirds in the paper, lest your case of shitbird-itis progresses to the point that only a severe beating will cure you.

Lifetime has rotted my brain!

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

About two months ago, I met this guy named "Troy" online. We hit it off in a major way and have become very close. We talk on the phone and online every day and have found we have many things in common. Troy has expressed a very real desire to meet and would like to be more than just friends. While Troy and I both want many of the same things -- especially real love -- I feel as though he has a hidden agenda for rushing us into something. I have heard horror stories (experienced a few myself) about people meeting in real life after connecting on the Internet. I don't want to go down the road that has, more often than not, led to disappointment, and in some cases restraining orders. Am I being overly caustious or should I accept the chance at happiness that Troy is offering?

Lifetime-addicted fool

You need to buy a gun. Then buy some ammo. The first thing you need to do is shoot your TV. Not every mundane, plebian, everyday occurance results in the shit that happens on LIFETIME.

Next thing you need to do is shoot yourself in the head. You admit that you've "experienced a few" hookups with people online that didn't wind up the way you wanted and required restraining orders. This means that you are incapable of learning your lesson. Do us all a favor and shoot yourself. Preferably in the head, definitely in the uterus so as to keep your genes from poisoning the rest of the population who happens to have a lick of sense.

I can't believe someone who possesses neither the capacity for understanding cause and effect, nor the common sense to learn from one's mistakes, comes from Texas. Do Texas a favor and move.

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

I got an e-mail from my sister listing the toys she thought would be good for the family to buy her son for Christmas. She does this every birthday/event/holiday, and I am getting quite irked about it. For starters, Christmas was almost two months away when she sent it. Second, shouldn't she give us the chance to ask what her son wants, before telling us what we should buy? It takes all the joy out of shopping, and frankly, considering she is the only person in our family who chooses not to work, it feels like she is sponging.

Anal Aunt

Dear Anal Aunt:

Are you too fucking stupid to use the "Delete" function? Is the sole reason you're able to use your computer stem from some divine intervention that resulted in the power button being pressed to 'on' when you plugged it in?

Seriously, I'd call you a shitbird but you're worse than that. You're anal. I bet you have irritable bowel syndrome the cause of which is your inability to let shit go. The first thing any sane person would do is shitcan that sister's "list of appropriate toys" and completely ignore it. Some of us would actually print it out and make a point of not purchasing anything on the list. People like me, who happen to stand up for themselves, would buy her kid a set of drums, the gift that keeps on giving. Forever and ever.

You really need to quit getting your panties in a

Saturday, December 2, 2006

Ass-kissing Drama Queen wants help

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I never would have thought about writing to an advice column, but yours has caught my eye. I notice people ask truly heart-wrenching questions and get intelligent responses, so please help me. I cannot go to someone close to home without ruining my husband's reputation.

I discovered that my husband has lied about his past. In fact, since I found out, I've noticed he does it quite a lot. He has lied about his military service. He has lied about his life before I knew him. Now I see that he lies about stupid little things, like putting his car in the paper to sell, or whether he kissed me when he came to bed, or things that are so insignificant they are meaningless.

I have not confronted him because I don't know how. I don't want him to feel as if I don't love him, because I do, and he will take any mention as a personal attack.

I don't understand how someone who is such a good dad and husband can be such a liar. How can he demand honesty from the people around him? How will I know when he is telling the truth about important things? My heart is broken.


Dear Sucker:

You're a drama queen. Get over yourself. No one gives a rat's ass.

Terri Schiavo in her vegetative state could have figured out your silly drama-queen bullshit. You start your letter by kissing ass. This indicates that people are so tired of your bullshit that they will not put up with you for the amount of time it takes to hang up the phone unless you suck up to them.

Before "But I'm not like that!" comes out your festering pie-hole, yes, you ARE like that. You admitted as much in your letter. You're griping that your husband lies over "stupid little things..that are so insignificant they are meaningless." If they're such stupid, insignificant things, why do you give a shit whether he's telling the truth or not? You're the only one who gives a shit about them, thus, YOU'RE the problem, NOT HIM.

There's a reason this guy lies to you. It's because you can't handle the truth. I don't know you, and I thank the Lord that I don't have the misery of knowing you, but I suspect it's because you turn into a raging harpy when he tells the truth. I bet you're so insecure that mentioning these stupid, insignificant things incessantly serves both as a method to satisfy your pissant-sized ego as well as provide cheap entertainment when Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City aren't on.

You admitted that he's a good husband and father. You should be fucking greatful for that. In fact, I commend you for marrying someone who's not a card-carrying SHITBIRD. Get the fuck over yourself, or he and his secretary will really have something worth lying about.

Dear Annie Voodoo:

One of my co-workers drives me up a wall. "Gina" sits beside me and copies everything I do or say. She imitates my mannerisms, my giggle, my dress, my accessories, and my verbal expressions. This has become so annoying it is causing me to withdraw and say as little as possible when she is in the room, which is most of the day. How can I handle this?

Swollen Ego

KEEEE-RYEST! When it rains it fucking pours.

Seriously, if you can't handle this shit without writing to the paper for advice, you have no business in the workplace. You belong someplace where they let you take naps at 2pm, then play duck-duck-goose before passing out milk and cookies.

If you were a guy, or a reasonably mature female, I'd advise you to start doing things like picking your nose, burping, and farting around her. Play the brinksmanship game to the limit. However, you're neither a guy, nor a reasonable female. You're a fool who spent too much time watching Soap Operas.

1. This problem is not nearly the crisis you make it out to be. I bet she wore the same pair of shoes as you one day and you managed to extrapolate this out to some scandalous plot to ruin your world.

2. She's not copying you.
3. You're not the center of the world

4. Stick your head back in the TV set and let those who do not have a tenuous grasp of reality run the show.

Friday, December 1, 2006

I'm a spineless pussy!

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

We have a 2-year old son and receive visits from the out-of-state in-laws several times a year. It is a "win-win" situation: My wife and I get a rare evening out together, while the grandparents have time to dote on their grandson.

However, our relatives treat our house as if it were a hotel room -- dirty dishes lying around, crumbs on the floors and furniture, random trash and newspapers strewn about, etc. What bothers us is not as much the clean-up afterward, but rather the seeming disrespect for our house -- they certainly don't leave their own house in such a state. We would like to say something but fear they will either scoff at it or, worse, become offended and not visit as much, which is certainly not our desire. Is there a gentle way to communicate our feelings without hurting theirs?

A spineless pussy

Dear Spineless Pussy:

There's 2 reasons why these assholes trash your house. 1. They don't have to clean it up. 2. You let them get away with it. The obvious solution is to either 1. make them clean it up, or 2. quit letting them get away with it.

You were a kid once. When you put your feet on the furniture, did your mom tell you to knock that shit off? And after she told you for the 50th time, she'd swat you in the back of the head with a rolled up newspaper. You wouldn't put up with your 2-year old brat trashing the place, why do you let a pair of 60 year old brats do the same thing?

This is abundantly clear. Tell them nicely to clean up after themselves. If it doesn't sink it, next time you visit your in-laws, you and the 2-year old play the "Let's trash grandpa's house" game. If it still doesn't sink in, then you swat them with the rolled up newspaper until it does.

A man's home is his castle. Think the king puts up with slobs in his castle? Fuck no. There's a gentle way the king would inform the slob that trashing his castle is not permitted. He'd slap them across the knees with the blunt edge of his sword. For fuck's sake, it's your fucking castle, start acting like the king.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

I'm a nosy fucking cunt!

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I have two older brothers. One recently died and the other is strange beyond words. "Dennis" has been married several times and is a father and a grandfather. However, he is estranged from all his children. Worse, the rest of us are not allowed to have his grandchildren over because their parents fear we would allow Dennis to see the kids.

Dennis' children won't tell us what happened to cause such animosity, but we have our suspicions. Two years ago, Dennis was supposed to take my children for ice cream, and he left town with them and returned 6 hours later. I was frantic.

The problem now is Dennis insists our late brother's grandchildren call him "Grandpa." He dropped by with these children, and when the 7-year old called him "Uncle", Dennis yelled at him saying "I am your grandfather! Remember that!"

Later I called my nephew and asked if he was aware of this situation. He was not and also did not know his kids left the area with Dennis. They came home well after midnight on a school night.

I told my nephew that Dennis forcing the kids to call him "Grandpa" is an insult to his father. He says it is not. And he still allows Dennis to take his kids for "rides". We are so afraid Dennis is going to drive off and not come back. I don't think I can stay out of this because I fear for the safety of those children. What can I do?

Nosy Pain in the Ass.

Dear Nosy Pain in the Ass:

Who the fuck are you to think you can tell a man how his kids need to be raised? Who the fuck are you to tell a man what he thinks he shouldn't tolerate around his kids? Dennis' lunacy must be genetic, cause clearly you are fucked in the head if you think that.

Your nephew doesn't care if his kids call Dennis "Dennis", "Uncle", "Grandpa" or "Aunt Myrtle". Why the hell should you? Your nephew doesn't think it's a big deal that Dennis runs off with the kids for a while. Maybe his kids are such brats that letting crazy Uncle Dennis have them for a few hours is preferable to trying to keep them from writing "FART" on the wall when he's not looking. You're the fucking Aunt, and a fucking NOSY PAIN IN THE ASS Aunt at that. I bet you're the first one to throw a fit when someone tells you how your kids (and if you have real kids, they have my utmost sympathy for having spent the first 18 years of their life being raised by the likes of you) should be raised. Quit telling your nephew how to raise his.

You want a hint as to what you should do? BUTT THE FUCK OUT.

Dear Annie Vooodoo:

I am an average boy in 7th grade. I have several friends, and one of them is my cousin, "Bruce", who is a couple grades younger than me. My problem is that he's always laughing at anything I do wrong.

We have been friends since our youngest days, and I have withstood his mocking until now, but my tolerance has snapped. When Bruce laughs, he does it for a reaction. I would laugh along with him if it were just for fun, but that is not the case.

Waldo who's being bullied

Dear Waldo who's being bullied:

Next time he opens his fucking mouth, tell him to shut it or you'll shut it for him. If that doesn't work, kick his motherfucking ass. This fuckhead is younger than you. You going to let some little shit push you around? Don't listen to your teachers, don't listen to some dumb cunt in the newspaper. They will tell you to settle things like an adult or something equally foolish like "Ignore him politely" or something like "Save your friendship for someone else".

You tried ignoring him. It didn't work, did it? You tried treating him like an adult. Did that work? FUCK NO. That's cause, contrary to what these idiots will tell you, this motherfucker IS NOT AN ADULT. You have to treat him like a kid, because he's a kid. That means you tell him once. If the message doesn't sink in, you bust his skull open. You think this kid is your friend. He's not treating you like he's your friend. He's treating you like you're a shitbird. Do you want to be a shitbird when you grow up? If not, you better start not being a shitbird now, because the shitbird reversal process gets a lot harder the older you get. Since he thinks you're a shitbird and not a friend, not treating him like a friend will accomplish nothing.

Don't let those assholes tell you "violence never solves anything". It's bullshit. Violence solves plenty. Give this little shit the beating he has coming, and you'll see how much nicer he'll be to you in the future.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Help me! I'm a retarded control freak!

Today's letter:

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

I'm on the verge of moving in with a man I am deeply in love with. I have a young son who I am very protective of and who I've been solely responsible for raising for most of his life. I don't approve of smoking, cursing, violent movies, overly loud music, and the usual non-kid friendly behaviour around my son, and my boyfriend has agreed that once we move in, the smoking stays outside and the behaviour stays PG as long as the little one is around. Everything seems like it's going smoothly, but just to be on the safe side, I'd like advice on how to start "enforcing" the new code of conduct once we move in. It is his house, and he's a grown man so I'd like to avoid reprimanding him or being a harpy, but my son comes first. How do I go about being a good mom to my son without being too much of a mom to my boyfriend?

Hypocritical fucking cunt

Dear Hypocritical fucking cunt:

Boy, are you one stupid motherfucker. You abhor smoking, drinking, swearing, fighting, and acting like an asshole around your son, yet you're moving in with the first son of a bitch who meets this criteria (READ: THUG) and who soaks your panties. I'm in awe of you. Most people fuck up at some point in their lives, but it takes a pure genius to do it on the level you're doing it. You don't like that shit? HOW ABOUT NOT MOVING IN WITH THE THUG AND FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO DOESN'T DO THAT SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Secondly, you're moving into his house. I bet he's paying the rent/mortgage too. What right do you have to tell him how to behave in his house, given that he's paying the rent and taking YOUR sorry ass and that of your poindexter-in-training wussy brat of yours as well. You dirty fucking carpetbagging, parasite! Just who the fuck do you think you are? Adolf Hitler with a pussy?

Here's an idea. #1: Don't date thugs in the first place. #2: He who pays the bills makes the rules. and #3: if you can't do #1 and #2 and therefore take some initiative and responsibility for your own ass, don't fucking write into the newspaper looking for advice.