Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Bro, or the Ho, that is the question

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I am having an internal battle over loyalties. I'm a recently divorced man. My friend, "Jim" also is divorced. A few days ago, I ran into Jim's ex-wife, "Tammy" at the store. We talked for a minute and exchanged numbers. Tammy called me the next day. We hit it off extremely well.

I have always thought Tammy was a fun person to be around. We've talked several times, and I'm pretty sure she is interested in striking up a friendlier relationship. I'd really like to date Tammy, but am not sure what to do. I don't want to alienate Jim or our other mutual friends. I need your advice. What should I do?

Needs his priorities straightened

Dear Needs His Priorities Straightened:

Tammy probably is fun to be around. And I'm sure the butcher, the gardener, the pool-boy, half the guys at the corner bar, and the mailman have all found this out as well. You don't want to alienate Jim? Do not fuck this woman.

Bros before hoes is an oft repeated maxim. There's a reason for this. You cannot replace a pal like Jim as easily as you can find someone else to fuck. 90% of the female population fucks, and most of them take credit cards. You would be wise to find someone else to go have fun around rather than this harpy. After all, there's a pretty good reason Jim got rid of her. And it's likely because there's a rabid, foaming at the mouth harpy underneath that fun-girl facade.

Foreign Guy tries to survive in Hell

Dear Voodoo:

I'm male, 24, living at home, attending university, and dont have a girlfriend. In fact, I've never been with a woman. I'm not much of a looker, rather on the fat side, I dont have friends since immigrating to North America and English isnt my first language.

I dont know what are, if any, my good qualities. I'm not a self-loathing individual with low self-esteem, but all these things are considered the recipe of a "loser" by society's standards. Do I have any chance to make it out there?

Stuck in Hell

Dear Stuck in Hell:

So, you haven't been with a woman. Since the majority of women are skanks who enjoy binge drinking, sex with 'bad boys', and photographing the evidence for their myspace profile, I'd say the fact you haven't been with a woman is something to be proud of. Look at it this way, while everyone else is getting sloppy 50ths with these women, you get to spend your time doing things that don't result in having to go to the free clinic to get a shot of penecillin in the ass.

I'm not going to sit here and bullshit you. You need to do something about your attitude. You have good qualities. Quit bitching to me about not knowing them and go out and find out what they are. If you're tired of being fat, quit whining about it and start the Jared diet or go throw some iron around in the gym. If you think you look like shit, either figure out ways to not look like shit, or accept that you're going to look like shit and cease giving a shit about it. And as far as not having command of the English Language, I wouldn't worry about that. You're no different than the average high school graduate.

There's an old maxim that says "The masses are asses." If the asshole masses deem you to be a loser, fuck them. They're wrong. After all, these are the same people that thought shit like pet rocks were cool, the same people who bought polyester leisure suits, and the same morons that consume everything about Britney Spears. But hey, if you want to be like that, fine with me.

You're a man. You're genetically predisposed to go out and grab the fucking world by the fucking balls, and to squeeze them until it gives you what you want. You're the latest in an evolution that gave the world such badasses like Oshmans-ravaging Gengis Khan, Hannibal, Henry the Fifth, Sun Tzu, Clausewitz, and George Patton. Start acting like it.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

More Harpy Ultimatum Bullshit

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I am a faithful reader and love your matter-of-fact approach, which is why I am writing.

I am a 40-year-old single mom. I work part time and am nearly finished with my college education. I am in love with "Michael". We have been living together for a year, and he is a great deal of help with my children.

Michael pays the majority of the bills with no complaints. He is a very successful businessman, extremely generous to my children, and he dotes on me. My problem is, Michael never wants to get married. He is content with the way our relationship is now. We have had the conversation about marriage several times, but I always end up frustrated and upset..

We have both been married before. Michael always knew my intentions were to be in a stable relationship that would end in marriage. Knowing this, he still maintains a relationship with me.

I know Michael loves me tremendously, as I do him. What now? Should I sacrifice my happiness and continue this near-perfect relationship or should I give him an ultimatum.

One ungrateful fucking cunt.

Dear Ungrateful Fucking Cunt:

Keeeryest! It's always some other asshole's fault. And just when things are a little too perfect, you have to interject some bullshit drama in an effort to kill the goose that laid the golden egg. That's right, it's all his fault because 'he still maintains a relationship' with you. Did the thought that since you have a stake in this relationship too, that YOUR actions might contribute to the problem?

Just who the fuck do you think you are? The center of the universe?

Now that I think about it, you probably are. One gigantic black hole with 2 kids worth of stretch marks that's sucked the life and resources out of one man, and is currently in process with another. Fuck you! You're 40 fucking years old. No matter how much Oprah tells you to the contrary, you're an old worn out harpy. Guys like Michael are rare enough, and at your age a replacement will be non-existent. Furthermore, because this guy has put a roof over your head and raised your two bastard brats, you are in no position to make an ultimatum. In fact, you ought to be cooking his dinner, cleaning his house, not to mention sucking this guy's dick while he's watching football on the weekend to express your gratitude that this guy has done all the shit he's done for a used-up harpy like you.

So go right fucking ahead and do it. PLEASE give this man an ultimatum. Then he'll see you for the disgusting, worn-out, ungrateful parasite you are and kick your sorry ass to the curb. Clearly Michael has his shit together. Since you don't, he can do a whole lot better than the likes of you.

Dear Annie Voodoo:

My stepdaughter, "Lois", is 30 years old and has one young child. They have recently begun to visit us every Sunday. Each visit begins about 2 p.m., runs through dinner, and ends well after 8. These are not visits by invitation.

Lois doesn't offer to help with cleanup or setup, nor does she bring a dish. In my family, we contribute. Sometimes a family member may ask us to help clear the table or put food away. Would it be considered improper etiquette to ask Lois to prepare a dessert for the next visit or help with the dishes?

I don't mind the visits, but I'd appreciate a little help.

Another Candyass

It's not improper etiquette to ask Lois to help you out. It is also not improper etiquette to put your boot up her ass when she refuses. The only reason why Lazy Lois doesn't offer is because you haven't made it patently obvious that she had better offer or the boot will be forthcoming.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Girlfriend Demands this Man's Balls!

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

My girlfriend basically has told me I have a year, then she expects to get engaged. We have been together about two years. I am in my mid-20's, and don't want to get married until 30 at least. She is great, I love her, but I am not sure that she is the person I could spend the rest of my life with. HELP. I have tried explaining that I am not ready to think about that, but she doesn't seem to care.

Needs a roadmap to find my balls.

Dear Roadmap:

First, stick your hand down your pants, right between your legs. Find something? Those are your balls. You have them. Now start acting like you have a pair.

You say this woman is great. She is not great. She's giving you an ultimatum. Therefore, she is not great, she is a cunt. You need to ask yourself if you want to be married to a cunt, even if you marry this cunt after you're 30. If you cave in to this chick's ultimatum, congratulations, you have yanked off your balls, and put them in her purse. She will be giving you ultimatums for the rest of your life. Next ultimatum is knocking her up. Then it's a Lexus. Then it's a fur coat or some other over-priced bauble that catches her eye.

Few women are keepers. This cunt is not one of them. You need to drop this cunt like she was radioactive and RUN TO THE HILLS. You are a MAN. You must remember this. YOU are in control of your own destiny, it is YOUR responsibility to act in your best interests. Furthermore, if the next chick demands you buy her shit, thus you will be supplying the gold, you must NEVER forget the golden rule:


You write the checks, you call the shots. If she doesn't like that, she's a gold-digging parasite and must be discarded immediately. After all, a woman can do anything a man can do, therefore she can go get her own fucking gold. Make her do it.

Lastly, I suggest you get your ass over to nomarriage.com before you turn 30, and read it. Then try to convince yourself getting married is a good fucking idea.

Voodoo seeks advice

Dear Voodoo:

I am a blogger with a problem. You see, there's this anonymous fuckwit who posted a dare on my blog; a dare to post one of my problems. So I am seeking your advice. Do I tell this cowardly asshole who hides behind anonymity that their head is full of human excrement, cow extrement, or dog excrement.


Dear Voodoo:

You are a courageous fellow to solicit advice from such a 'hard case'. For this, you are to be commended on your intestinal fortitude and good looks. One must always remember to see the forest for the trees. It matters not whether this asshole's head is full of human shit, bullshit, or dogshit. It just matters that they are full of shit. It's patently obvious that this self-proclaimed know it all is a candy-ass for hiding behind anonymity. As such, since they do not feel their letters are important enough to sign their name to them, their letters are not worthy of my attention. Thus, they are wasting my time. Anyone who wastes my time has earned "Shitbird" status, and will be ignored. Let this be a lesson to this, or any other asshole who doesn't have the guts to post their real handle when they're trying to call me out.

VoodooJock returns from Vacation

I had a vacation. It wasn't long enough. Deal with it.