Thursday, April 26, 2007

Purebred Shitbirds

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I am a single mother of two girls, ages 4 and 2. Their father isn't in the picture much. I love my kids, but sometimes I think I never should have had children.

A while ago I put my 4 year old into group counseling because she was very aggressive with her little sister and argued with me about everything - what to wear, when to go to bed, etc. She hasn't improved much, and it's making me crazy. Rewards and discipline don't work.

I am on an anti-depressant and take a sleeping pill. My children sleep in bed with me every night, just so I don't have to battle with them, which means I have to go to bed when they do, leaving me no time for myself. They wear me down until I cry myself to sleep.

The sleeping arrangements are also causing problems with my boyfriend. Please help. I don't know what to do.


Dear Candyass:

Who wears the pants in your family, you or these brats? If you have to think more than 3 seconds about the correct answer, you should wash all those sleeping pills down with a fifth of Jose Cuervo.

You're a fucking adult, first for possessing the inability to realize that single motherhood is NOT a viable lifestyle choice. Things like that are NOT to be done. There's a reason why men are required in the family, and that reason is illustrated in your letter: to police the family and prevent shitbird from infecting one's progeny.

All you hairy-legged dykes with dog-collars who are pissed off at me right now, FUCK YOU TOO.

Back to the original problem:

It's obvious we cannot stuff these kids back up your uterus where they never should have exited in the first place. That horse done run out the barn. Thus, we have to work on fixing the problem from here forward. First, these kids are 4 and 2, they have no business sleeping in your bed. They have even less business sleeping in your bed when your boyfriend sleeps over. Your boyfriend has no business sleeping over either. Don't you fucking remember how you got into this mess in the first place?

Next, YOU make the rules. YOU must enforce them. Kids need to know rules will be enforced and transgressions will result in punishment. If they do not, they grow up thinking the rules don't apply to them and turn into your average bar-skank. Your 4 year old brat can argue all she wants. You hold your ground and don't give in. You give in, she learns she can wear you down by being a brat. You outlast her, she'll figure out a different method to get what she wants.

Your 4 year old brat wants to beat up her sister, you give her a nice hard wallop on the ass. All you bleeding-heart assholes who think that you should treat kids like an adult: FUCK YOU TOO, for you are full of shit if you think treating someone who is clearly not an adult like an adult works. She learns walloping sis ends up to be a (literal) pain in the ass, she will quit. If junior shitbird #2 learns lying about sis beating her up works, you wallop her on the ass too.

You are an undisciplined twit. I genuinely share your wish that you never had children. These 2 brats are going to be problems guys like me will have to straighten out after it's far too late. Quit trying to be your kids' pal and start laying the fucking law down already.

Friday, April 20, 2007

What's wrong with ogling?

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

What makes a guy mature? I am 43 and still have a problem with how I look at women. I don't mean any disrespect and several I admire for their intelligence and ability to do their jobs, but I still undress them with my eyes. I don't do it on purpose, and I stop as soon as I realize I am doing it.

Jimmy Carter

Dear JC:

Why do you consider this a problem? Why do you consider this a sign of immaturity? You're a man. You are attracted to women. There is not a fucking thing wrong with that. If anyone tries to convince you otherwise, they are full of shit and deserve a baseball bat to the back of their skull.

A man is mature when he is able to take care of his business. You pay your rent on time? You have a good job? You have food in the fridge? You have goals you're working towards? If the answer to this is "yes" then, congratulations, you are mature. You are taking care of your shit. You have successfully removed yourself from the ranks of shitbirds world-wide. This is commendable.

If the sexes didn't ogle each other, no one would fuck, and there wouldn't be any humans left roaming the planet. And if women didn't enjoy being ogled, why the hell do they run around with their thong poking out of the back of their jeans and why do they flash their tits at Mardi Gras?

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, brother.


Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

So, met this guy at an event in late summer. He was interested. I was full of myself and liked having lots of boys interested so I blew him off. Fast-forward to last weekend, when we bump into each other and hit it off like gangbusters. Then last night, when he tells me he is not interested in a relationship with anyone. And he's still (angry) about the first time we met.

Am I a total jerk? Or did I just do some growing up in the intervening time and I am paying the price for my immaturity?

Too Good 4 U

Dear Too Good 4 U:

You're not a total jerk, you're a stuck up cunt! And you should rightfully be paying the price for your immaturity.

You wrote a 'cunt' check the night you blew this guy off. You probably treated him like shit. You liked being the center of attention and didn't think he was good enough. Now that he's good enough, he's figured out YOU ARE NOT. And you have the gall to wonder why he's pissed at you? And you can't rub those two brain cells together long enough to figure this out for yourself?

SUCK IT UP! The time has come to cash that check. And he wants to be paid in full. Tough shit. Think about that next time you act like you're too good for someone. YOU are not the center of the universe. Contrary to the popular colloquialism, one found on plenty of female t-shirts, IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

Quit your fucking bitching and start eating that big shitburger you made. CHOW DOWN, HOG!

Monday, April 16, 2007

A typical American Daughter

Dear Annie , Voodoo:

My 21 year-old daughter has been dating "Charlie" for three years. My daughter attends college, works, and has many plans for her future. She is a beautiful, fun-loving, intelligent girl - until it comes to Charlie. Charlie barely graduated high school, shifts from job to job, and doesn't care about the future. They never go out with her friends, always his. He rarely comes to our house - our daughter always goes to his place. He constantly is text messaging her to find out where she is and with whom.

We've told her we can't get to know Charlie if he refuses to come around. We invited him to a family dinner for my daughter's birthday, and he promised to attend, but at the last minute, said he was "too sick" - a common excuse for him. We also invited his parents, but his mother "fell asleep and forgot."

Our daughter says Charlie is her soulmate, but we think she is being taken advantage of. Now that she is 21, our hands are tied, not that she would listen to us anyway. We have a great relationship otherwise. I would hate to see her stuck with Charlie for the rest of her life. What can we do?

Typical parents of a typical daughter

Dear typical parents of a typical daughter:

You can't do shit about this. Your daughter is a typical American woman. She will not be happy unless he's with some shitbird. Evidently, she is perfectly content to fuck bums. In this regard, she is no different than any other young American woman.

What you can do is leave her alone and let her fuck her life up. And fuck it up she will. When she's 30, has a couple brats by this shitbird, and is up to her ass in drama, you can politely tell her "Tough Shit, we told you that you were fucking up, but you didn't listen. SUCK IT UP."

Get in touch with your local animal shelter. See which ones have a good selection of cats. Your daughter's going to need one, two, or 20 when she's 35 and a burnt-out ex-shitbird fucker.