Friday, February 23, 2007

More "Dynasty" Bullshit

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

I have a friend, J., who, while a good person is competitive. She would like to be married and have a family, but does not, and recently adopted a dog. Recently she told me, in all sincerity, that having a dog was harder than raising a baby. All I could do was stare at her, mouth open. I have been through hell and back with this baby (some postpartum depression - which J. knows about) and I just can't believe she would compare the two. I know this is probably jealousy, but this has gone too far. I feel at a loss for what to do.

Joan Collins

Dear Joan Collins:

Give me a fucking break. You actually wrote me seeking advice for this stupidity? Incredible! Seriously, there are better things to do than deal with this petty, schoolyard bullshit.

This chick did this to get your goat. By your response, it appears she got it. Way to go J.! In the words of the sage and wise Mr. T., you're a SUCKER for falling for this shit, and a FOOL for writing me about it.

Quit letting shit get to you. Quit making tempests in a teapot. Quit attention whoring by seeking advice in order to justify your belief that this harpy's crazier than a shithouse rat. Grow the fuck up already. When adults see foolishness, they don't even bother entertaining such bullshit notions; they shrug them off, consider the idiot crazy, and get on with their lives.

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

I found out my boyfriend's friend was saying not-so-nice things about me to my boyfriend. He, of course, defended me, but I'm having a hard time getting over this. I can't help but feel insulted and hurt by his friend. Since my boyfriend and I are likely to move on to the next level of our relationship, I likely will have to see this person again. How do you suggest I deal with the situation?

Future Mrs. Mangina

Dear Mrs. Mangina:

Exactly where the fuck did you grow up? An igloo in the middle of the arctic circle, away from society as a whole? Seriously, haven't you ever heard "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" in the schoolyard? It's already a given that you likely didn't learn jack shit when you were in school, just because they don't teach jack shit there, the least you could have done was pay attention when you were in the fucking schoolyard.

You're making a big deal out of this for no fucking reason other than to call attention to yourself. Poor widdle victim of your boyfriends big mean friend! As Brother Eli would say: SUCK IT UP BITCH!

Get your fucking shit together. You think everyone on this planet is going to like you? You think the world is just one big love-fest with the world singing in perfect harmony like that annoying motherfucking Coca Cola commercial?

Newsflash: IT ISN'T.

People will not like you. It IS inevitable. Plenty of people hate my guts. But you know what? I don't give a rat's ass what they think, as the opinions of known fools are of no consequence to me. You would be well advised to adopt the same attitude, and quit wasting the valuable time of advice columnists with your silly-assed problems.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Chump, The Art of the Bigger Better Deal II

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

I have been with my boyfriend for five years and living with him for four. I realize now after a long time and lots of soul-searching that we should never have moved in together and that I'm unhappy with our current arrangements. However, I do not want to break up with him. Is it possible for two people who have lived together for so long to back up one step and maintain a healthy relationship?

Miss Leech

Dear Miss Leech:

You don't want to live with the guy anymore, but you still want to be with him in the same fashion. Are you an idiot or something? Do you genuinely think that disrupting the status quo is the best way to maintain the status quo?

This guy evidently thought enough of you (stupidly as it turned out) to allow you to move in with him. Now, you're essentially telling this guy that he's good enough to serve as an emotional tampon yet not good enough to live with anymore. On top of that, you still want things to be the same.

Get your fucking head out of your ass. You have a choice. You can have a relationship with this guy, or you can go off and be on your own. You can't have both. You can't have everything. That's life. Tough shit.

Dear Annie Voodoo:

My sympathies to the woman married to a man addicted to internet porn. I am in a similar situation. My husband even uses viagra for this.

Counselling for her is a good idea, so she doesn't have to feel inadequate as a woman. To the men out there, get help before your marriage is over. My solution? I'm the tech person at our house, and I've got our computer locked down pretty tight. Good luck to him trying to figure out how to unlock it.

Me so sly

Dear Sly:

You're a real smart one, aren't you. You have your computer 'locked down tight'. Way to go! You showed him!

Too bad your husband is just a $399 laptop and a broadband connection away from his beloved internet porn. All that 'tech' knowledge you have, defeated by a simple credit card and Chinese manufactured loss-leaders. Yep, you showed him indeed!

But hey! It's always better to lay the blame on some scapegoat like internet porn rather than addressing the root cause of the problem: YOUR failure to put out and address his needs.

And don't think for one minute that because you don't bother with internet porn you have the moral high ground here. You're just as much, if not more, guilty than he is in this situation. Your mocking, condescending tone exhibited in your letter, not to mention the gloating over how you managed to 'fix' the problem lends all but the most intellectually vacant among us to deduce that you're just a mean, spiteful cunt.

To you, and the rest of you bitchy harridans who read my shit yet prevent the lessons taught here from sinking into your thick skulls, you feel inadequate when your husband views porn BECAUSE YOU ARE INADEQUATE!

All those years of putting the kids first, for not throwing him a fuck because he left the toilet seat up, for griping that he got you some uncomfortable piece of clothing he'd like to see you wear, or because you didn't feel like it are coming home to roost. He's figured out that he isn't going to get sex from you, so he's going to seek gratification elsewhere. And since the guy has enough moral character to honor his vow and not fuck other women, he gets it off the internet and fucks his fist.

Way to go sisters! When you make everything all about you, don't be surprised if he discovers you're not good enough and finds something better to do.

Monday, February 12, 2007

I live next door to shitbirds!

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I need an outside opinion. I was in the process of repairing the windows on my garage, only to discover that they do not make this type of window anymore. My neighbors of 15 years, who I'd thought were our friends, recently replaced their garage windows with glass block ones. Since my original windows were not available, I decided to go with glass block windows, also, I called my neighbor and told her that she had good taste, and we were going to get similar windows. She was furious and berated me like you wouldn't believe. I thought she was joking when she said if we put in glass block windows, she would never speak to me or my wife again and this friendship would be over.

We installed glass block windows anyway, and the neighbors are not talking to us. Our windows look totally different than theirs. Ours have black bars in front and are partially covered by bushes. Also, our two houses are not alike in size, shape, color or landscaping. In addition, after touring the neighborhood, we see that there are eight other houses in the immediate area with glass block windows.

I don't understand the big deal. I wrote them a letter an apologized, saying imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but nothing.

I really hate to end this friendship over something so trivial. Any advice?

Henry Kissinger.

Dear Hank:

First, go to your safe, your desk, your basement, or wherever the fuck you keep the deed to your house. Give it a good, hard, look. Whose name is on this title? Is it your neighbors?


It's YOUR house, you can do whatever the fuck you want to it. At least as long as you don't piss off the facisti in the homeowner's association. Do you like these glass block windows? If the answer is 'yes', you don't have to do anything more to justify your position.

It matters not how many assholes in your neighborhood have them or not. It matters not whether your house is different than theirs or not. What matters is that YOU have to live there, and it's up to YOU to make the place YOU bought a place that YOU are proud to live in.

You've done everything you can to placate these assholes. Nothing worked. So get that idea that you broke this friendship out of your head. You're not the one that has a stick shoved up her ass over something stupidly trivial like glass block windows. You're not the one who refused an offering of peace. You didn't do SHIT to end this friendship.

These people are shitbirds. If it wasn't glass block windows, your friendship would have ended over something equally stupid. Because these people are not happy with the appearance of their own house, and now think they have a right to tell you how to fix YOUR house, they are not worthy of your friendship.

It's time to say 'Fuck them', and move on with your life.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Granddaughter is a Shitbird.

Dear Voodoo:

My granddaughter, "Tiffany," quit school at 16 because she didnt like her teachers, and "all the kids did drugs". She got a job as a maid, then quit. She got the job back and was fired. She went to work in a restaurant. It lasted three days -- you get the picture.

Tiffany has lived with various pregnant girlfriends on their child support until the inevitable squabble occurs and she's kicked out. She has tried cigarettes, alcohol and various drugs -- and is currently dating a prisoner who is on work release and with whom she plans to live with when he's released from jail. She's 19, He's 32. He has been in prison or jail twice, the last time for nine years. He has two illegitimate children in NYC so we assume he's unmarried.

Tiffany wants us to welcome him into the family with open arms, even though she wont tell us his name or why he went to jail. She refuses to listen to anyone. Should we give up on her and disinherit her or keep trying to persuade her out of this ridiculous relationship?

Potential Grandshitbirds

Dear Potential Grandshitbirds:

I can't believe you haven't got two braincells between you to figure this bullshit out for yourself. Seriously, how did you manage to reach the age of grandparents without acquiring some of life's wisdom?

Your daughter is an adult. It's time to treat her like one. She wants to lie in shit, then come over to your house so you can swat the flies. You want to spend the rest of your life cleaning turd stank out of your house? There's nothing in the book of adult that says you have to accept anyone. However, there is something in the Book of Adult that says you should use some fucking sense. How fucking stupid do you have to be to realize that, if the smell of shit in your house is undesirable, then you do not allow turds through the door.

This guy has all the signs of being a turd. If he's in jail once, yeah, he probably screwed up or got railroaded by the legal system. If he's not a turd, he'll realize that he'd better get his shit together so he doesn't wind up back in the hoosegow. Not this shitbird. He's been in there twice, and one of those convictions caused him to be sent up for 9 years. Your grandidiot doesn't want to tell you what he's up for, so it's probably some shit like selling crack to toddlers or something. He's got 2 illegitimate kids, and who knows if he's supporting them. And I'm not talking about some bullshit check the MAN demands you fork over to keep babymama in heels and Starbucks. I'm talking about being a man and being a father to your kids so they don't wind up to be a couple of shitbirds like yourself.

As far as your granddaughter, I wouldn't let this turd in my house either. She's lazy, she's a mooch, she's probably an entitlement queen, and she likes fucking losers in jail. If you want a purebred shitbird, these two are a perfect match for each other. It's time you force this shitbird to lie in the bed she's been using as her toilet. Don't even think about trying to 'rehabilitate' her. She thinks you're a bunch of idiots, and refuses to listen to you. The power of shitbird is very strong within her. Too strong for you to cure. This shitbird needs the professional help only the United States Marine Corps could offer her. Maybe after having a boot shoved up her ass and a couple of blanket parties she'll see the error of her ways. Until this happens, wipe your hands of this shitbird and don't waste a second thought entertaining any of her stupid ideas.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Chump: The Art of the Bigger Better Deal

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

I got engaged last year to "Lynn", and we were completely happy until one night a party went bad, and alcohol and chemistry led my fiancee to cheat on me with someone she works with. At first I accepted that things happen. Then I began to get confused.

I told my girl I was not happy with their hanging out together anymore. She said she needed friends, it was a mistake, "please trust me". So I did. She is still friends with him and they hang out once in a while, to this day. I am thinking I should tell her to pick him or me, but that feels wrong. I know the value of friendship. But I also don't want my heart trampled again.


Dear AFC:

You are correct. You are wrong to feel that. Giving this harpy an ultimatum is completely wrong. What is right is giving her the boot to the ass that sends her flying out the door and bouncing off the curb. You don't believe me? Grab a motherfucking dictionary and look up the word "Cuckold".

You have no business trusting this woman. She has proved that all it takes is a little booze and she's ready to cough up the nookie to someone else just to piss you off. You want to be married to that? Trust, like respect, is always earned, never given freely.

You're being played the fool. She doesn't want to lose you, she just wants to keep you on the back burner until she can get a toe-hold in this other asshole's life. Soon as she does, it's your ass that's going to be bouncing off the curb. If she is unsuccessful, she's going to come running back to you until she figures out how to get a toe-hold in some other asshole's life.

There's plenty of other 'friends' she can go pal around with. Friends who haven't, nor will fuck her. There's a reason why she wants this one. It's because she's training your replacement.

Get rid of this cunt, then get your ass to and maybe you'll be able to cure yourself of this bullshit permanently.