Thursday, January 31, 2008


Inevitably, there will be some speculation as to the definition of "shitbird". This post serves to clarify what exactly is meant by the word.

The exact origins of "Shitbird" are unknown, however, the term is generally thought to have originated at some point during the illustrious history of the United States Marine Corps.

A shitbird, quite simply, is a fuckup. It's someone who doesn't pull his own weight. Think Private Pyle in "Full Metal Jacket". Unfortunately, these sort of people are the sort who never seem to suffer the punishment for their transgressions, everyone else has to suck it up for these people's sins.

In essence, a shitbird is a parasite, a foul pile of shit who screws up everyone else's groove without suffering for it.

The cure for shitbird is PAIN. The more pain the shitbird suffers, the less incentive they have to continue their current course of action. Unfortunately, there are some people out there whose shitbird characteristics are so ingrained within their soul that they are essentially incurable by mere amateurs. Only Drill Sergeants have the proper attitude, the motivation, and the 24/7 commitment it takes to cure the most shitbird of shitbirds.

If you think you might be a shitbird, you probably are one. It would behoove you to stop. If you think you know a shitbird, you probably do, and it's up to you to help cure them for society's benefit.

Been 20 years since my last lay

Dear Abby Voodoo:

I am a 61 year old man who has been faithful in his 35 year marriage. But I am very unhappy because I am continually hounded by my wife about my previous mistakes. The incidents involved alcohol and smoking and occurred many years ago. She has never forgiven me and brings up the subject frequently.

My wife has withheld sex for 20 years because of her jealousy about my love for my mother. (Mom died in 1994.)

I am so alone but my wife will not seek counseling. I feel like I'm huddled in a corner....

Married to a Harpy

Dear Married to a Harpy:

You are to be commended for sticking around for 35 years, 20 of which were spent with out some nookie. However, the time has come to cut your losses.

Seriously, you need to talk to an attorney. Don't tell that nagging harpy you married about your intentions. Find out what you can do legally to protect your ASSets from this raging cunt. 20 years without sex? She's been getting room, board, and access to your income for those 20 years yet can't bring herself to throw you some intimacy once in a while?

This cunt's beyond saving. She's not going to change because, in her mind, she's morally right. She's punishing you for shit you did an aeon ago. Since she still gets room and board, and spending money, she has no incentive to change her ways. She might have been sweet and kind, with face of fair, flaxen hair, and cornflower eyes, but now she's a parasite. And we have a word for parasites like this: SHITBIRD. You don't need counselling, you need legal advice. You're 61 years old. The average life span for a man is 74 years. You have 13 years to live as a happy man. There's plenty of older women out there that would gladly shack up with you for a dinner and a movie simply because, at their age, the next bus is unlikely to show up.

You owe it to yourself to be happy. You don't have to put up with this cunt's bullshit anymore. In this society, you are under no obligation to provide for shitbirds. There isn't a guy out there that wouldn't give you a slap on the back and tell you that you did the right thing getting rid of this parasite. And if any women give you shit, piss on 'em, there's a lot more that want male attention.

To the rest of you young folk that think the golden ring gets you a ticket into the sexual promised land, read what this dude says. Think about it. Ask yourself "Will this happen to me?" And if the answer is still "No", go to the mall and watch the poor sonofabitch schlepping bags of overpriced shit from Kirklands and Bath and Body Works for his 'ol lady. Look at his eyes. You'll find your answer.