Monday, March 24, 2008

You Gotta Be Shittin' Me

Dear Abby Voodoo:

My husband gets aggravated with romantic commercials on television -- the ones where men do sweet things for their wives, like putting jewelry on them while they sleep, or pulling out that special gift at the dinner table. He says the commercials try to make men feel guilty because they aren't like the one's portrayed.

I have tried telling him that men are, indeed, this way, but I couldn't think of any examples other than my brother and my father, who are very romantic.

There are more than two men who excel at romance, aren't there? Don't most men know how to sweep a woman off her feet?

My head is up my ass

Dear Head:

Your husband is a smart man. He sees through bullshit. And that's what commercials are: bullshit. They are designed to get you to do something you wouldn't normally have to do. If they weren't, and they were designed to get you to do something you'd normally do, why the fuck would the company waste money on advertising? They'd pocket the advertising budget and go to the titty bar.

You, on the other hand, are one deluded fool. You try to contradict his argument with examples that are off the same fool-tree that you come from? You got to be shitting me! Your moron brother and your foolish father aren't romantic if they run right out and buy some over-priced shit to stick on their ol' ladies while they sleep. That isn't romance, that is called being a SUCKER. There's also another term that's involved when someone coughs up some sort of monetary consideration to get access to some broad's pants. The person coughing up the goods is called a JOHN, and the chick who gets it is called a HO.

It's you, and those other dingbat broads like you who are responsible for this nonsense. There's plenty of guys out there who are romantic. In fact, most guys are. Only they're not out there emptying their wallet at Jared or Saks Fifth Avenue. They're out there doing non-monetary things to show their love for someone. They'll cook dinner for her. They'll give her a massage. They'll leave a love-note someplace that she'll find it. They'll burn her a CD of love songs that remind her how he feels about her. You dumb bastards never notice it because the only thing that registers in your pea-brain is the amount of money blown.

Why don't you get your fucking head out your fucking ass and start focusing on what you have instead of all the shit you don't. Maybe then you'll start seeing those gestures your husband does for you and the fact he does them because he LOVES you will sink into your thick fucking skull.

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