Saturday, December 2, 2006

Ass-kissing Drama Queen wants help

Dear Annie Voodoo:

I never would have thought about writing to an advice column, but yours has caught my eye. I notice people ask truly heart-wrenching questions and get intelligent responses, so please help me. I cannot go to someone close to home without ruining my husband's reputation.

I discovered that my husband has lied about his past. In fact, since I found out, I've noticed he does it quite a lot. He has lied about his military service. He has lied about his life before I knew him. Now I see that he lies about stupid little things, like putting his car in the paper to sell, or whether he kissed me when he came to bed, or things that are so insignificant they are meaningless.

I have not confronted him because I don't know how. I don't want him to feel as if I don't love him, because I do, and he will take any mention as a personal attack.

I don't understand how someone who is such a good dad and husband can be such a liar. How can he demand honesty from the people around him? How will I know when he is telling the truth about important things? My heart is broken.

Signed,
Sucker


Dear Sucker:

You're a drama queen. Get over yourself. No one gives a rat's ass.

Terri Schiavo in her vegetative state could have figured out your silly drama-queen bullshit. You start your letter by kissing ass. This indicates that people are so tired of your bullshit that they will not put up with you for the amount of time it takes to hang up the phone unless you suck up to them.

Before "But I'm not like that!" comes out your festering pie-hole, yes, you ARE like that. You admitted as much in your letter. You're griping that your husband lies over "stupid little things..that are so insignificant they are meaningless." If they're such stupid, insignificant things, why do you give a shit whether he's telling the truth or not? You're the only one who gives a shit about them, thus, YOU'RE the problem, NOT HIM.

There's a reason this guy lies to you. It's because you can't handle the truth. I don't know you, and I thank the Lord that I don't have the misery of knowing you, but I suspect it's because you turn into a raging harpy when he tells the truth. I bet you're so insecure that mentioning these stupid, insignificant things incessantly serves both as a method to satisfy your pissant-sized ego as well as provide cheap entertainment when Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City aren't on.

You admitted that he's a good husband and father. You should be fucking greatful for that. In fact, I commend you for marrying someone who's not a card-carrying SHITBIRD. Get the fuck over yourself, or he and his secretary will really have something worth lying about.

Dear Annie Voodoo:

One of my co-workers drives me up a wall. "Gina" sits beside me and copies everything I do or say. She imitates my mannerisms, my giggle, my dress, my accessories, and my verbal expressions. This has become so annoying it is causing me to withdraw and say as little as possible when she is in the room, which is most of the day. How can I handle this?

Signed,
Swollen Ego


KEEEE-RYEST! When it rains it fucking pours.

Seriously, if you can't handle this shit without writing to the paper for advice, you have no business in the workplace. You belong someplace where they let you take naps at 2pm, then play duck-duck-goose before passing out milk and cookies.

If you were a guy, or a reasonably mature female, I'd advise you to start doing things like picking your nose, burping, and farting around her. Play the brinksmanship game to the limit. However, you're neither a guy, nor a reasonable female. You're a fool who spent too much time watching Soap Operas.

1. This problem is not nearly the crisis you make it out to be. I bet she wore the same pair of shoes as you one day and you managed to extrapolate this out to some scandalous plot to ruin your world.

Thus,
2. She's not copying you.
3. You're not the center of the world

So,
4. Stick your head back in the TV set and let those who do not have a tenuous grasp of reality run the show.

1 comment:

Michael said...

:D Wow, another great one!