Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Lifetime has rotted my brain!

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

About two months ago, I met this guy named "Troy" online. We hit it off in a major way and have become very close. We talk on the phone and online every day and have found we have many things in common. Troy has expressed a very real desire to meet and would like to be more than just friends. While Troy and I both want many of the same things -- especially real love -- I feel as though he has a hidden agenda for rushing us into something. I have heard horror stories (experienced a few myself) about people meeting in real life after connecting on the Internet. I don't want to go down the road that has, more often than not, led to disappointment, and in some cases restraining orders. Am I being overly caustious or should I accept the chance at happiness that Troy is offering?

Lifetime-addicted fool

You need to buy a gun. Then buy some ammo. The first thing you need to do is shoot your TV. Not every mundane, plebian, everyday occurance results in the shit that happens on LIFETIME.

Next thing you need to do is shoot yourself in the head. You admit that you've "experienced a few" hookups with people online that didn't wind up the way you wanted and required restraining orders. This means that you are incapable of learning your lesson. Do us all a favor and shoot yourself. Preferably in the head, definitely in the uterus so as to keep your genes from poisoning the rest of the population who happens to have a lick of sense.

I can't believe someone who possesses neither the capacity for understanding cause and effect, nor the common sense to learn from one's mistakes, comes from Texas. Do Texas a favor and move.

Dear Carolyn Voodoo:

I got an e-mail from my sister listing the toys she thought would be good for the family to buy her son for Christmas. She does this every birthday/event/holiday, and I am getting quite irked about it. For starters, Christmas was almost two months away when she sent it. Second, shouldn't she give us the chance to ask what her son wants, before telling us what we should buy? It takes all the joy out of shopping, and frankly, considering she is the only person in our family who chooses not to work, it feels like she is sponging.

Anal Aunt

Dear Anal Aunt:

Are you too fucking stupid to use the "Delete" function? Is the sole reason you're able to use your computer stem from some divine intervention that resulted in the power button being pressed to 'on' when you plugged it in?

Seriously, I'd call you a shitbird but you're worse than that. You're anal. I bet you have irritable bowel syndrome the cause of which is your inability to let shit go. The first thing any sane person would do is shitcan that sister's "list of appropriate toys" and completely ignore it. Some of us would actually print it out and make a point of not purchasing anything on the list. People like me, who happen to stand up for themselves, would buy her kid a set of drums, the gift that keeps on giving. Forever and ever.

You really need to quit getting your panties in a

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